


Don't let me get me

by katychan666



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 16:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8808658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katychan666/pseuds/katychan666
Summary: Alec suffers from depression, but he doesn't let others know about it, because he doesn't want them to hate him. Yet, one day he completely breaks down and finally sees that he can't go on like that anymore...*****************************************************************************************************************************You open your mouth to scream, but your screams choke up and stop in your throat. Your throat burns with the wish and need to let those feelings out, but nothing comes out. You feel your eyes burning again and you can swear that your own reflection is laughing back at you for being so pathetic. You firm a fist and spit onto the mirror.Disgusting.





	

**Don’t let me get me**

* * *

 

The sunshine rays wake you up in the morning, just like so many mornings before, you slowly get up into sitting position and rub your eyes and extend your arms out, looking around your room as you're still half asleep. Unlike many other people, you like mornings… things are always calm in the mornings, the war that is always going on inside you seems to be gone in the mornings, until you find yourself to be thinking about that again and then all of it returns to you and all you can do it lay back down, squeeze the pillow against your chest and bury your face in it as you try to even out your rapid breathing and clear your thoughts, because they are racing, unable to calm down.

You feel calm, until you start to think about everything you’d have to do during the day; there are so many things that are expected to be done by you from other people, yet you feel too nervous and anxious to even get out of the bed. But you do it anyway, you pretend that everything is alright. You manage to convince people around you that you are completely fine, deep inside hating yourself for that. All you do is lie to people that love you and even though you tell yourself that it doesn’t bother you, you know that that is a lie. Not only that you lie to other people, you lie to yourself as well.

As you turn to your side, you take the phone from the nightstand, to check on the time. Then you unlock your phone screen and your eyes widen when you see the internet searches from the last night. _How does being happy feel like? I hate myself, how do I stop it? I’m tired of it, how do you just end it all?_ Your eyes fill with tears as you read your last search and the grip around your phone tightens and you grit your teeth, the usual tightness returning to your chest as it makes it unable for you to breathe. What kind of a person searches for something like that on the internet? A fucked up one, you answer to yourself. There’s no way that someone normal would go actually search for something like this. But you can’t help it, as the day ends, you always hit rock bottom and that is the only way you are able to cope with it; alone in your room, all on your own.

Back in the day, it wasn’t so difficult for you to deal with these feelings of anxiety and depression. You told yourself that it was just a phase, yet you didn’t let your parents know what was happening with you. Even though it was hard at the beginning, you learned how to smile, how to laugh at jokes you didn’t find funny and how to communicate with other people, even though you wished to be left alone. Being someone that was an introvert, it was extremely hard to pretend to be someone that you wasn’t, but you learned how to supress those feelings. However, as you grew older, it was becoming worse for you, you were starting to crack under the pressure and expectations from others and you were afraid that you were just going to lose it one day and just break down. Having your emotions under control was crucial part of your living, feeling completely powerless when you couldn’t control those feelings.

As you get up into the sitting position again, you could feel your heart fastening again and you feel nervous again, for no special reason. This is just how it is, something like this is completely normal. You rub your sweaty palms together and you let out a hitched breath as you slowly try to collect yourself. Sometimes you wish that you could just numb yourself, it would be better not to feel anything, than to be constantly pretending and concealing your true self. You are surrounded by people who love you dearly, and yet you feel more alone than ever. You grab the fabric of your shirt as you press your eyes tightly together as you feel the tears gathering in your eyes again and you swallow down thickly, angrily wiping away the tears as they fall.

You then angrily get up onto your legs and drag your tired body to the bathroom, so that you can get ready for another day. As you step in front of the mirror, you advert your gaze from it and look down, but in the end you do look up and you let out a hitched breath as you gently touch the cold mirror. You absolutely hate the person that is staring back at you and you find yourself in this war with the mirror every single morning, asking yourself how wonderful would it be if you could just be someone else, living someone else’s life. Things would be so much easier that way.

How on Earth could you possibly love himself? You tried to, you really did, but that was a really difficult task to do since you absolutely despise everything about yourself. There is nothing to love, but plenty to hate and since hating is much easier, you convinced yourself that hating yourself was a completely normal thing to do. Yet, as you think about it again, you feel miserable. It hurts too much when you think about it… there is not a single thing that you could love about yourself. You look at your own reflection again and you grit your teeth. Disgusting. Ugly. You open your mouth to scream, but your screams choke up and stop in your throat. Your throat burns with the wish and need to let those feelings out, but nothing comes out. You feel your eyes burning again and you can swear that your own reflection is laughing back at you for being so pathetic. You firm a fist and spit onto the mirror.

_Disgusting._

Then it happens. You begin to lose it again and you shut your eyes tightly as you try to even out your breathing and to calm yourself. You don’t want to take your medication, you absolutely hate it. It’s true that it helps you, but you don’t like it how it makes you feel. It makes you feel insane and you know for a fact that you aren’t. However, as you can’t bring yourself to calm down, you quickly open your drawer and tears roll down your face as you take two pills onto your hand and even though you’re disgusted, you quickly swallowed them, letting out a muffled sob and you press a hand against your mouth. You can’t have your mother hearing you cry. You don’t want others to know. It they’d find out, they would hate you for it. You’re certain of it.

Then, there’s a knock on the door and you act quickly. You wash your face, brush your hair quickly and when you’re sure you look presentable, you open the door, forcing a smile when you see Isabelle standing there. Izzy, your sister, one of the sweetest people you know, yet you choose to lie to her as well. The guilt claws at your chest, your smile faltering just a little bit, but she doesn’t seem to notice. “Oh, Alec, good, you’re up,” she says to you and you nod, wishing to be left alone. “Magnus came by and he’s asking for you,” she then says and your body freezes, but you let your smile widen, panic feeling your entire body. This isn’t one of your best days and at days like these, you choose to avoid your boyfriend, no matter how wonderful he is to you. He doesn’t know as well, you’re a disgusting, selfish liar. “Can I send him to your room?” asks Izzy then and you slowly nod, even though you’re screaming inside.

“Sure, tell him to come to my room,” you say and watch you sister leave.

As you wait for Magnus to come, you return to your room and sit down onto the floor, bringing your knees up to your chin and hug yourself, the weight of the guilt pressing down onto your chest and you let out a loud sob, crying loudly as you can’t take it anymore. You just can’t, you’ve had enough of pretending, especially to Magnus. It kills you to know that you lie to the person that loves and cherishes you the most.

The door suddenly open and you look up, your cheeks wet, and eyes red and wet, Magnus’ eyes wide open as he hurries down onto his knees, kneeling next to you and his arms are wrapped around you, asking you what is wrong. You grab onto him and grit your teeth. You can’t lie to him anymore, you’ve reached your breaking point as you silently cry into his shoulder.

“Help me,” you say in between your sobs. “Magnus, I need help,” you then say, for the first time in your life, asking someone else to help you. You know that this is only the first step towards getting better, so maybe there is still some hope for you.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I just projected what is currently going on in my life onto Alec... that's it.   
> I'm not in a very good place atm  
> Also, I tried writing from a second point of view, I think it works out good in this kind of stories.  
> I hope you still liked this.  
> Comments and opinions are well appreciated.


End file.
